Another year is slipping away from us with the speed of a train leaving the station and building up steam. As each day falls behind us, so do the weeks and irrevocably the months. Time is ever on the march, and it tends to catch us completely off guard when we reach the end of the year...and, suddenly, the Holidays are upon us and we hear someone say the words: "Tis the season!"
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
The few lessons I have learned through the years have been pretty important ones, though. For instance, I know through many past instances that it's a good idea to have my sponsor's number from Alcoholics Anonymous handy during the Holiday season. I've also learned that shopping amongst the teeming hoard of germ-breeders is for people who enjoy throwing up and coughing for a solid month straight. I do about 90% of my Christmas shopping on the Web now, and much of that is for Christmas shirts to satiate the insane cat-lady brood that I'm related to.
I cannot relate to the women in my family at all. This is because I am not a crazy person. All of my sisters, aunts, cousins, and my mother belong in a safe place with an unlimited supply of fresh kittens and calming medication. Luckily, all of them love seasonal t-shirts. This is my salvation from most Christmas anxiety because it saves me for buying intimate gifts for people I just don't understand. I can buy a colorful nick-knack of a kitten all tangled in Christmas ribbon that plays "All I want For Christmas" and I get blank stares. I put that same cute kitten on a t-shirt, and they go nuts over it.
If that's what the ladies like, then that's what the ladies get. All I have to do is to slowly and steadily acquire Christmas clothes from online vendors. I start this project sometime around the end of August. It lets me get all of the shopping I need to do for over half my family finished before Thanksgiving ever arrives. I have more money to spend on the big-ticket items that I have to buy for my closer family because I've stretched the buying process out for months instead of just weeks. It really does certify me as a genius, if I can speak honestly here.
Take it from a certified Christmas genius: you just can't go wrong with the perfect combination of Christmas t-shirts and women with dogs, kids, cats, or all three. If people followed my advice, there would be about 1,000 fewer fatal stabbings during the Holiday season.
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
The few lessons I have learned through the years have been pretty important ones, though. For instance, I know through many past instances that it's a good idea to have my sponsor's number from Alcoholics Anonymous handy during the Holiday season. I've also learned that shopping amongst the teeming hoard of germ-breeders is for people who enjoy throwing up and coughing for a solid month straight. I do about 90% of my Christmas shopping on the Web now, and much of that is for Christmas shirts to satiate the insane cat-lady brood that I'm related to.
I cannot relate to the women in my family at all. This is because I am not a crazy person. All of my sisters, aunts, cousins, and my mother belong in a safe place with an unlimited supply of fresh kittens and calming medication. Luckily, all of them love seasonal t-shirts. This is my salvation from most Christmas anxiety because it saves me for buying intimate gifts for people I just don't understand. I can buy a colorful nick-knack of a kitten all tangled in Christmas ribbon that plays "All I want For Christmas" and I get blank stares. I put that same cute kitten on a t-shirt, and they go nuts over it.
If that's what the ladies like, then that's what the ladies get. All I have to do is to slowly and steadily acquire Christmas clothes from online vendors. I start this project sometime around the end of August. It lets me get all of the shopping I need to do for over half my family finished before Thanksgiving ever arrives. I have more money to spend on the big-ticket items that I have to buy for my closer family because I've stretched the buying process out for months instead of just weeks. It really does certify me as a genius, if I can speak honestly here.
Take it from a certified Christmas genius: you just can't go wrong with the perfect combination of Christmas t-shirts and women with dogs, kids, cats, or all three. If people followed my advice, there would be about 1,000 fewer fatal stabbings during the Holiday season.
About the Author:
To fill your brain about a Christmas family t-shirts go to hilarious Christmas apparel to see how it's done right.
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